I'm expecting!!!!!

Nothing much else to add - I'm feeling cranky, emotional and very, very, tired. My story stalled - creative juices dried up or brain is to fuzzy with exhaustion - whatever it is, have transferred energy into passive entertainment - read four books in the past week : )

The Nanny Diaries - was hesitant, but glad i tried it - much less vacuous than I had the impression it would be... i've been associating it with the shopaholic series, which in my conciousness at least, came out at the same time right? anyway...

The Other Boleyn Girl - hurrah for historical fiction. this was fun

1492 - coooooool. Enjoyed this the most. So proud of chinese ancestors, wish some of their brains and ingenuity had rubbed off on me.

the New Donna Tartt book - ?? why can't i remember the name? the cover pic is too overpowering - i keep seeing the creepy dolls face... nice, i really admire the way she creates atmosphere and sets the scene... but i was kinda wishing we'd find out what happened to her brother. : ( . I like resolution. Made me think about To Kill a Mockingbird...

have a meeting in 2 minutes, but everyone is always late. and am so dopey ...

Feel sick now.

Wow, am so happy with the Google toolbar... love its popup killer and the instant link to Blogger - impressed : )

Weekend was a complete washout - had to stay at work all day Sat, had a fellowship Sat evening, Sun am was church and crying babies (suddenly, the class is exploding - babies every where. Have to be careful not to step on one or sit on one, that's how bad it is. Still think I'm more a two year old and above type of person... ) And Sun pm was recuperating.. dinner Sun with my parents and bro-in-law back from Italy and UK; My sister has been given (another) month of MC because of the risk of premature delivery... she's bored already!

Cried all Sun evening, dreading work - delayed reaction to Friday when Princess told me I'd be doing research and stats (bad news number one) and that I'd be working with him (the killer ap, as they used to say). I was mildly blue but Sun just exploded... in addition to feeling generally useless, smarting under put-downs (non-verbal and verbal) from relatives and friends, feeling of underachievement -my sis just got her PHD... I'm so happy for her, you know, and I think she deserves it 100%, but just felt sad that in comparison, I havn't achieved much... Comments from relatives & friends hurt too - "what are you doing?!!" vein, or "Why aren't you achieveing your dreams?", "I don't know what (kind of job) my company could possibly offer someone like you.."

Oh well, but prayed, and today's QT study confirmed / was encouraging, all about waiting for God's timing... I have to have faith that He will use my talents, that I will feel that I'm not wasting them all away... in His time...

oh about the re-org at work...

I had a dream yesterday, that I told someone, because it really was tempting (isn't it always, when you know something someone else doesn't!) - i think i dreamt I told AFTER the announcement too - anyway, things became tough - the person I told kept asking me who the source was.. and I think, even my source found out.. woke up all thumpy and guilty feeling... and glad that I didn't tell anyone cept my hubby. confirm won't say a thing now...

That's second time I had a dream like that this week - can't remember what the first was, but similar did something I was tempted to do, and dreamt the consequences which were bad and woke up happy I hadn't done it.... : )

Is better than x-rated dreams which I also had two of, earlier this week, fortunately both involved hubby - told him and he said I must be feeling... haha! they were both v strange...

Am so blue today... don't know why, since yesterday....

Think it has to do with lack of goals in life... used to have so many, and life was so exciting- now its all fizzeled out...

I thought it was a good thing at first, because my old goals were so tied to work and money and self... When things spun out of control and those dreams were taken away - alot of my self-confidence went, but I thought, at least now I'm not tempted to have those self-centered goals anymore... Unfortunately, christian, Godly goals, which should have taken their place, didn't... and its not wrong to have secular goals! - work, family goals - so long as God is honoured and at the centre of them...

I've always been fearful. I started to conquer that fear - but then I fell hard and I've become even more afraid. I have no confidence left - which may not be a bad thing - but I hav'nt the faith enough to make up for that lack of confidence in self...

What do I want? Right now, I just want to get through life, I don't want anything else. But its obviously not enough.

SOme dreams / goals I have, but haven't dared to commit to:
1. To study art and be a good painter Or
2. To study graphic design or multimedia and be a free lance / web based designer
3. To study Japanese - just because : )
4. To pray every night with my husband
5. To do my quiet time every morning
6. To be more servant-like in attitude to my husband, to my colleagues and my family
7. To have kids and raise them up in a Godly way
8. To finish writing my fanfic
9. To be able to give more of myself and to become less self-centered.
10. To write better.
11. To do all my BSF homework every week

Some of these are quite actionable.. I've just been lazy and procrastinated and defeated before I even begun. I've tried some of these countless times,but never managed to carry on with them - I've never been much for persevering. I'm more of the, oh, I failed. that's it, I'm done. I was so used to succeeding first time at everything i think - studies etc, came so easily to me...

I think goal 8 is definitely not a great goal to have : P .... but its the one I'm closest to realising, which just goes to show you...

Maybe I shouldn't ask too much of myself... take baby steps and all..

Okay, can be done, with prayer and itty bitty faith.. God, I'm counting on You ... can we try Quiet time and daily night prayer? Start small too...

oH, some more small goals:
1. Make a hair appointment for sometime in the next month
2. Make an eye appointment so I can get my contacts redone at last
3. Dental check up
4. To read one chinese newspaper article a day, and watch chinese news

Okay.... feel bit better now : )

Slept most of my weekend away...

Went in to work on Sat - finished at 1 plus - went to my parents for lunch (to make up for forgetting on Friday night - we had steak at Phin's instead - great value) - went to Giant to buy stuff (collapsible stool for out door art trips, tub for doing my washing in (so i no longer have to do my handwashing in the same pail that we use to wash floors / bathroom with - gross huh!) more snacks (to supplement what we got yesterday, hoo ha!)... met one of my art classmates there- then it rained, we went home... was dead tired but did housework anyway - collapsed and slept until 5:45 - went to his parents place - ended up in Chong Pang where we had dinner - roast duck and three kinds (!!!) of Thai dessert - then he dropped me home before he went for his class gathering. I bummed around at home - played the Sims and think watched some tv... maybe not... can't remember! then concussed.

Sunday - got up at 8:15 - church, took care of babies again - lots of kids this week - miss Abigail, whose parents are being sent to Brazil... she was a really cute (and good natured, most important) baby!! Leana - the other good baby - was ill... all the crying babies came in - and even those that were getting used to it started crying halfway through... why, why why! I talked to my mum about it - I don't think i'm good with babies, 2 year olds are okay. Can't distract the babies in big bright voice like others do... 2 year olds have activites and can teach, and best, they can talk (a bit). Even better, most are toilet trained.... but she pointed out i have no time to prepare lessons, whcih is true, so will try and stick it out in this class... also feel really restricted, cause the babies parents like to stay in class - don't want them to feel i'm messing with their training, as i know some are really fussy... oh well

After that, decided I'd skip my painting class - haha, always skip when we do an outdoor event... terrible , but promise myself will go to Botanic gardens during break to make up. Reasoned that it would take me an hour to get there from church, not counting time for lunch... and we had a show at 7:30, so I'd have to be home by 5:30 at least to change and get ready... that leaves... well, too little time to complete a painting anyway!

So went for lunch at Thomson, the really homey Japanese next to the Casuarina roti prata place - $6 for salmon sashimi, and it was soo fresh! love that place. After, went home and I concussed again. Woke up, got ready, watched a bit of anime (: ) )- left home at 6 pm - took us FORTY FIVE MINUTES to get to Esplanade, because of revolting Sunday jams - had quick dinner at the Bistro (which was really fast. phew, to think we nearly went to the Japanese or to Spice restaurant, which looked slow) - even had time to check out the art exhibition at Jendela by Indonesian artist. Linked to the I Galigo something or other - really liked his work. Didn't buy tix for the show after all, as its FOUR HOURS LONG... but am having second thoughts now... story sounds so interesting...

Disappointed can't make Carmen Linares either, bec Tues is Bible study night - : ) Bible study more important than flamenco singer... but will buy her CD if I can...

Anyway, we had front row seats in the Concert Hall - staring right up at the Violinists' bums... haha... the first half was pretty dull for me - I tuned out a bit and my head was aching too boot... but the second half was electrifying. I dunno if it was the programme or if Vienna Phil had a great 20 minute break (hee hee, I thought they all looked a little rosy coming on again - either the heat getting to them, or they'd be drinking a little backstage...) Anyway, whatever it was, it was fab. Dun remember where I've head the Rimsky Korsakow piece before, but is very very familiar - is it one of those pieces they use a lot as background music in movies? wonder... anyway, am going to try and get a recording of that too : ) - was Scherazade, op 35.

Yay, the house gave them a standing ovation and they played two more encores - crowd pleaser pieces, waltzes and the like, was great fun - and they looked like they were having fun too, which is the best part really.

Was thinking of trying out the chocolate bar, which I've been intending to since forever, but its always too crowded - but we were too tired - went home and concussed again.

So now its back to work again... stats, stats, stats.. Managed to pin down some annoying bits - that made me feel good - but its still... stats.

More thoughts on weekend later.

Whoooo - another one today - feelin chatty!

Or is it just that I'm too zoned out from staring at lines of font size 9 shrank 60% all day? Sucker for punishment - spend whole day killing my eyes on PC/ squinting and kill it some more when I have time to relax.

Thinking it would be nice to get Lasik one day - know four people close to me who've done it already, no horrer stories, everyone really happy. But - $3000!!! or is it $6000? wow. And it hurt so bad forking out $2000 for my iBOOK...(which I love, btw!)

Dunno if i want to watch survivor or not tonight - I keep spoiling it for myself by going to Survivor Sucks. I don't mean to find out what actually happened - but sometimes I forget and visit on Friday mornings, AFTER they've screened it in the US. And of COURSE they've already moved on to dissecting the latest episode. Sama for American Idol 3 this week.

Happened to watch last ep of For Love or Money last night, cause was waiting up for husband. Appalled. Sick, sad Paige who really thinks she can find true love on a TV show like this. If you are going to participate in such shows, I say better to have a realist attitude like Erin... Of course BEST is to keep your idealism and get on with real life away from money and cameras... away from all such TV shows as well. Is sick - and screwy!

LA LA la.. am coming in to work tomorrow tho is my off Sat... deadlines and all. haha so therefore am taking time off NOW ... anyway, my brain was too dead to do much else.

Its bin aaaaayges.....

Am so up to my armpits is work, is not funny. - going cross eyed and not able to sleep. Plus Princess had a fit last week, and me in front of UB. Couldn't take his tantrum, so gave back as good as I got. Real shouting match...

Anyway, I went home and thought about it, and felt really bad, not about Princess, but about UB, cause I just had a meeting w/ him where I said I would try to control myself w reg to Princess...Went back next day to apologise. Phew, he actually said he thought i had nothing to apologise for and that he was glad I had stood up for myself.. guess I didn't sound as out of control as i was! haha!

ho hum, but its a funny story anyway. Feel bad telling everyone about it (I have, just about, everyone who's important to me anyway : ) ) but it really IS funny - get great reactions. Almost as funny as night I nearly slapped my ex but didn't (Which reminds me! STAN, I'll never forgive you for being so fat you blocked my way into the room and to him!!!) - can still see him throwing his crutch across the room and hopping over like Rumplestiltskin so he could fight my friend for suan-ing him.

I don't do a lot, but am v content w life at moment (apart frm Princess situation and current but temporary work volume). I guess I am easily satisfied - sometimes i think i'm wasting life away filling it up with small things and not really doing exciting stuff, but we all die anyway - what difference does it make? Am happy enough with my fanfic, my painting and my ancient CD player... I'm talking THINGS here. On personal, relational side, which maybe explains why I'm so happy with relative paucity of stuff, I know I'm really blessed - love family, love husband.