Hello, first day of maternity leave!

My doctor says she'll induce either on the 18th Nov or the 24th Nov. I'm just leaving it to God on this one - I like the 24th, because of the 24.11.03 visit to Church of Anunciation in Israel - just so can say, baby was CONCEPTUALISED on 24.11.03 and finally deliverd on 24.11.04 " ) .. not bothered by Chinese "bad number" superstitions. God was behind baby, and will be behind him all the way...

Yesterday, did QT from Daily Bread (haven't used Daily Bread in a while). It's simple, but also digestible, and think maybe good for non-morning person like me to start the day with. Anyway, yesterday's lesson said that sharing your personal story is the best kind of witness - so, need to know what God has done for you. I have all these stories and experiences floating randomly in my head, haven't put them down... know that I need to, and will. But not in blogspot as a first go. Think this needs something more organised.

Nevvie's 6 mth birthday yesterday - he is so cute!

Have been a little down the past 2-3 days, fixated by appearance, usual envy / covetous issues reappearing. Little and stupid things, like, feeling badly dressed and out of it when in town, not having a "lifestyle" / cosy home (in a material sense), putting on too much weight in pregnancy and convinced will not lose it, because I have these loser genes unlike my sister, having awful hair... !! Stupid huh! But really bothered me. I know its symptomatic, of not being close to God this past weekend, deliberately choosing to ignore him and do my own thing. Anyway, this am, decided that all these silly , self-destructive thoughts are festering because I'm not focusing often enough on my salvation and status in God. Turning my thoughts on that made me feel much more joyful, and I saw all those irritations and unimportant, ultimately futile in the big scheme of things. : ) - have to keep reminding myself of this, cause I always seem to forget!

My last day before I go on maternity leave. Feel sad and a little frightened. Someone mentioned in passing that they thought this would be my last day ever, meaning, I'll not come back after my maternity leave is used up. Probably unrealistic - I WILL come back - at least to clean up my desk - but it still felt a little sad. Anyway, I don't know why I'm letting myself be bothered - I'm not making up my mind until I know what God wants... we ARE praying, every night, for his wisdom & guidance, so its just a metter of waiting patiently now.

Frightened - well, which first time mother isn't?! Anyway, God is going to be with us, every step of the way, so there's no NEED to be frightened! I trust Him, I trust that He hears and answers our prayers : ). I trust that He has everything mapped out, and that His plan is good. Thank you, God : ).

Boy, that made me feel better. Just reminding myself about God, and His loving personality and His personal care for me - makes such a big difference. Feel really comforted and safe.

I've been so grouchy the past few nights, because its been increasingly uncomfortable... but hubby and I had a great laugh last night - the uncontrollable laugh-until-you-cry kind - the best kind of therapy! As usual, we hit our low toilet-humour standards, but it was great fun, nyeh!!

Y'know, I remember before meeting hubby, thinking there was no way I'd ever meet anyone who shared my kind of humour... Everyone else was just too polite or too grossed out, or too embarrased. It's such a blessing, to be able to really say what I think is funny and not have to edit it for more sensitive ears. Okay, its 9 year old humour, but so what, so what. We have regular laugh-until-side-split sessions, and its worth it. I wish we had them MORE often, but I guess once a month / every 2 months is pretty good - and every day, there is at least one thing to laugh at together : ) - I'm really grateful to God for that. Humour is so important.

Hmm. Tight feeling in my tummy, plus more pressure down below. It really DOES feel like I have a bowling ball up there. Are these pre-signs? I had a little diarrohea (sp?) and nausea this morning, which is supposed to be sign too... Hope not, want him to stay in til Monday at least, that way my dad can get to see him on his first day out in the open. We're praying for that too! (My dad is in Cambodia). I dunno what baby's been doing these past two days, but it feels like he's trampolining off my stomache and doing somersaults.

Yawn... 38 weeks today. Its getting harder to concentrate at work...

Actually, today was a complete waste of time on my part... uh-oh, feel bad. Didn't start morning with devotion, although I got in quite early. Brain is really foggy - yesterday remember feeling foggy only in the morning, and being more able to focus in the afternoon, but I've been in a daze all day today. Sorry, God : ( ... I didn't even make the effort to choose right.

Sigh. Thank goodness have applied for my maternity leave - I start officially on 16 Nov, which is next Tuesday - there are 2 public holidays between then and now, so its really only 2 more working days - Wed & Fri. I was hoping to make some headway on this paper before then - but my brain just isn't working!

Pretty discouraging reviewing the presentation I've prepared for the briefing session with my colleagues - so many objections and questions I have no answers too. Its so easy to poke holes in an argument, yet not suggest anything constructive to fill its place. I think that there should be a rule around here - If you have an issue, air it, but be prepared to say what you think the best alternative is, even if it is saying "remain as status quo" (so long as you are able to justify why). Or, at least understand the framework in its entirety first, and what it implies, vs picking up individual portions and gunning them down, not understanding that its part of a whole, and may have a reason for being because it is part of that whole, that it wouldn't have when considered on its own.

: ( Not a happy camper today. Because I have a bad conscience, probably. Also, just grouchy & tired. Its very strange, because I managed about 7 hours of solid, deep sleep yesterday, and proabably 9 the night before! Surely enough to replenish energy needs, even tho in late pregnancy?

17 days to go...

This week went by really quickly, because I had so much to clear out of the way. Even managed to pack up all the photos and postcards tacked up in my cube : ) - important, you know - they all mean so much to me, I don't know what I'd do if I came back and found some of them missing... especially my doggie photos!

If (if) baby decides to come this weekend, I think I could go with relatively clean conscience. I'm hoping not, though... there's a meeting on the 12th I'd really like to attend. After that, would prefer him to come after the 15th, because grandpa would be in Cambodia. Okay, sorry God, the timing is all yours to fix - you know best!

I'm hoping to be able to find a comfy chair tonight, or tomorrow, for feeding purposes.

Wow, I'm really out of practice. I'm writing so disjointedly, and pausing every five words.

My story stalled! I'm still getting reviews for the old story I wrote, which is so strange- how do people manage to find it? It must be buried somewhere deep in the fanfic archives by now.

Sleepy and tired. Baby is - doing something wierd. My stomach is contorting strangely, and some part of him keeps knocking me down there! Sometimes it feels like he's stretching - I get a double hit, one down there and another up under my ribs at the sametime : ). He must be quite big by now.

Sorry, brain is stuffed full of wool at moment. Yuk, cliche. Ah -- will go and visit www.engrish.com - that always cheers me up :)

November! Baby became officially full-term on 2 Nov - which means, anyday now.

Feel very strange. Happy, excited, also a little freaked, a bit unconnected - part of me hasn't grasped the reality of what is about to happen, a bit afraid - even with epidural assurance (ouuuuuucccchhhh). Beyond birth - ! On the other hand, am really looking forward to meeting this little fella and marvelling at his completely unique personality. On the other... wow. Sleepless nights, impact on marriage, change in lifestyle...

On the whole, its been a happy pregnancy : ) - thank you, God!! Haven't had any feelings of "i want my body and identity back", really quite content as I am, though it is a bit boring to keep telling people when I'm due, and yes, it is uncomfortable.

Got stretchmarks!!! Have been staring at them in dismay every day - so much for miracle stretchmark cream - until this a.m it occurred to me, I should wear them proudly, like badge of motherhood. Soldiers have their scars, right? Anyway, I don't know why I'm so bothered, its not like I've ever shown my midriff in public... well, not in the last 7 years at least.

Lots of issues at church, very sad. Yesterday read Ezekial 10 & 11, about God's presence leaving the temple, abandoning it to total destruction. The bible notes said sometimes, the desecration and idolatory get so bad, that God needs to abandon and totally destroy the temple - whether its the individual, the family or the church, before He can rebuild and restore... so perhaps that's what's happening now. Warning to me about my own spiritual life and family though... I don't want to have experience this on those levels. But, there are good things - there are always good things! - among a core group of people, I've seen fellowship and love growing. Hubby and I felt we should try and be part of that, so yesterday we attended the Wed prayer meeting - : ). We've decided we can help by praying everyday, showing love to ALL, being encouraging ...

Starving!