I'm so exhausted... Both immediate bosses are away, so everything's coming in at me... have been running up and down all day : ( - backache, feetache, ankles feel puffy... the works! Still - thank God that days don't last forever and we can go home and rest : ) - my workday has just officially ended.

Learnt something over Sunday - had lunch with my parents when my dad announced he was thinking of taking a mission trip just one week before my due date, and that he'd signed my mum up too... Dunno what was wrong with me, but I became really emotional! Didn't bawl at the table, but I did say "But - that means you won't be around...". Tried really hard to psycho myself off feeling sad, but I've always suspected (now I KNOW) that some part of me really enjoys feeling sorry for myself! Anyway, tears kept welling up, finally had to excuse myself - think I managed to slip away undetected, but went to the loo and cried. Kept thinking how my parents were so excited about my sister's baby tt they skipped going to Patmos, and all these silly paranoid thoughts of, "maybe they won't love mine as much because it's too much too soon" kept coming into my head.

Later though, had a cool hard think about it, and realised I'm being really selfish! My mum has been a virtual house prisonner for 3 mths since my sister's baby was born, and she's offering to take on my kid as well... if she CAN get away before mine comes out, she really should - to have a break, you know... and my parents will be enjoying my kid for many years - but if they go on mission, the people who they help will only enjoy them for that short week... Issues have always been very black & white to me - there's a definite right and wrong. Think this is first time I've really seen clearly how both parties have really equally valid points. Okay, maybe not equally valid! Mine seems weaker in the light of cold reason. Anyway, it was something to take in an absorb. I think my mum sensed I wasn't happy, so when I told her on Monday that I think she should go if she can - I dunno, I think she was happy and that she understood how I felt too... I feel really bad that she might have felt guilty or something... : (

Anyway, something funny related to that incident! After I recovered a bit in the loo, I came back and we finished up and left the restaurant. I held my composure til my parents left - the minute my husband and I got into our own car, I couldn't help it, I started bawling again! (Is this linked to pregnancy?) Anyway, this woman had just parked her car opposite us, and SHE CAME OUT OF HER CAR AND STARED IN THE WINDSCREEN AT THE TWO OF US!!! She must have thought my husband was abusing me or something, haha! Anyway, I was pretty annoyed, because she was being so blatent about it - its not like she was even offering to help! So I yelled out (the car doors were closed, but I hope she heard!) "Go away! It's none of your business!". She finally left. Talk about kaypoh.

Had good sermon in church, about trials - we will get them, they are meant to teach us perserverance, "let perserverance complete its work" - linked to Neh and his "strengthen my hands" vs "Get me out of here!" prayer, and if we lack wisdom, we can ask God and He will answer, so long we don't doubt. Ref James chp 1. Example how God brings difft things to our attention at difft times - have done James before, and remember last time, what stood out to me in this passage was the part about doubting, and being like a storm tossed boat. This time, what stood out was the "let perserverance complete its work" and if we lack wisdom, and we ask, God WILL answer. Really encouraging, esp in light of all the decisions we have to make re: our baby. I also believe in God's train ticket - just when you need it style of answering, so we expect to hear exactly when we need to, and not a moment before : ) - that sure helps to prevent impatience! It's wierd how I'm trusting okay with all the big issues, like finance, or arrangements, but when it comes to my baby's nature, sometimes I can't help having a little twinge of ... what if ..?

I suppress though - but think it's linked to watching too much Discovery Channel and believing in all that genetic stuff - like mother / father, like son... cause I was a real brat and my mum-in-law says my husband was always sick and crying!!!! Arrgh! No!!!! I'm praying for a good natured baby and if it's God's will, he WILL be good natured, nyeh to genetics! I'm also eating chocolate, which is supposed to be good... (or I only read the articles that say it is good, because I'd die without chocolate! I've already had to switch to decaf, you want me to give up choccies too?!)

About decaf... I went and bought GROUND coffee instead of instant coffee.. so I'm drinking bits of ground. Yes, I just stepped off a slow boat from China... they should update that phrase.

Great news on PM's package : ) - yay, Lee Hsien Loong! I was brimming over on Monday - my colleague pointed a finger at me and said sternly, "You're so easily taken in!" Okay, of course political manoevering and make me look goodism involved - so?! Very impressed with his speech, thought he was good at getting buy in and bringing the people along with him - that's a real gift.

Started on Isaiah ... chp 3&4 yesterday - started off with painting a picture of lawlessness in Judah, no leadership. Really thank God that is not the case in Singapore : ) - will keep praying for our leaders and their wisdom. Hope the casino idea is killed... that made me sad. Yes, it's pragmatic and practical, but I dunno, I like the fact that we objected to it morally and that we stuck to that view despite the economical implications. Surely there are other things besides a casino - ! Have a bad feeling about it, generally - you make one moral compromise... everything else starts to erode gradually. Before you know it...

The other thing was the lesson on women and how they were dressing up to flirt, gain approval, be fashionable and to show off... whilst ignoring all the oppression and suffering going on around them. Found that really convicting - I find myself planning and wishing I could be like those fashion plates - but there's so much need around, even in Singapore - how to be like that in good conscience? I dunno... I dun think I'll be able to stop wishing very easily though....

Had food poisoning yesterday night! We went to Kura, a japanese place to celebrate our anniversary - the food was great, only 2 things that could have made me sick - the raw cabbage which I had a lot of, or that one barbecued oyster that was still slimey on the inside. Yuk. Went to the A&E at 12:15 just to make sure it was okay, and they gave me 2 jabs in the bum to take the nausea away... the visit cost twice as much as our dinner - expensive anniversary!

Reviewed Nehemiah, which had quite a lot of lessons for me!

1. Pray all the time - Nehemiah prayed ALL the time, even quickie, before answering people
2. Make time for structured prayer too - the ACTS prayer model (plus one more C for commitment) - the prayer often leads you to a plan of action
3. Pray AND act
4. "Do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is your strength!" - pple were grieving about their sinfulness after they heard the word of God. But Ezra, Neh urged them to be joyful instead. Same as guilt from sin - tend to wallow in grief. But can 1) confess 2) remind myself of my sinfulness, which Jesus came, forgave and died for, 3) remember that I'm justified through his blood! 4) remember all his promises to sanctify me, and that one day, I'll be "changed in an instant" - this sin will no longer plague me! I'm SAVED!!
5. Neh was a great leader - he had clear picture of present reality / problem, he also had a clear vision of where he wanted to go, and he had strategies to bring the two together. He shared them, he split work according to people's interests.
6. "Living in Jerusalem" - we have to make a choice to do this
7. In face of personal attacks and defamation - not to react in anger or hastily - Nehemiah just knew he was right, confronted calmly where he had to, but most of all committed the outcomes to God.
8. When things get tough in the middle of doing God's will, not to pray "God, take me out of this situation!" but "God, strengthen my hands!"

Okay, that's it for now... : )

Our third wedding anniversary!!! And we both forgot!!!!

! Can't believe it! It wasn't even remotely on my radar screen : P .. oh well, I'm glad we BOTH forgot, unlike last year, when he remembered and I forgot... which is terrible, isn't it - isn't the woman supposed to have a better memory on these sorts of things..?

BUT! I like to think its cause we are having too much fun in the present to keep celebrating the past.. of course it's a lovely thing to commemorate, but we both agree that we'd much rather be where we are today then where we were then... wedding preps, uncertainties, unfamiliarities, doubts, fears...

To bad, we couldn't even decide last minute to go out for a dinner together - he's been roped into a company golf game and has to attend the dinner at the end, so I'll be going to my mum's place... : P . But we've set aside TOMORROW.... yummy.

We're definately on the brink of a new development in our lives though - with baby on the way and suddenly, financial realities setting in. We never had to worry about that in the past, when it was just the two of us, and no one else to plan or save for - but we've worked it out - it's just not possible to sustain our current lifestyles and add the kid, savings and a maid... we have to cut and economise... first time in my life I've had to worry about something like that, same for him too. We really are a soft generation...

I'm glad we have these worries though. I know many couples are a lot more pragmatic, and do their sums before embarking on trying for a baby. But I think its great to have to lose some of the material luxuries - it'll help us to focus on what's really important. My mum once told me its good to have to struggle when you're a young couple, it helps cement you for the good times : )

Another good thing is the added dimension its given to Matthew 6, the verses on the sparrow and the lilies of the field. After we worked our sums out, I was pretty worried. I prayed and everything, but couldn't get rid of that little lump of worry. So whipped out Matt 6 and re-read it. It was so encouraging, and it meant more to me than it ever had before. Isn't God's word great?

And I just KNOW He will supply our needs and help us make ends meet. This is probably the biggest financial challenge we've ever faced, but in all our past experiences, God has never failed us.

We're also asking God for help in practical things - like, should I return to work (just looking at the money issue, there's no question that I'll have to, but He might have other plans!) and how will our baby be looked after if I do? My mum is already flat out with my sister's baby, and his mum gets stressed - plus, she has his granny to look out for too. Also, a name! I'm believing in God for his train ticket - giving it to us just when we need it, and not a moment too soon...

I'm ready to come back to work I think... it's not what I wanted, but I'll do what we need to get by. It just doesn't rest easy on my heart, when I think of all the talks I've had with christian women who have given up their work to focus on raising the child. Are we not making tough enough cuts on our budget? I can think of several things we could cut, but I'm only going to suggest them, not insist on them if my husband doesn't want to make them - : ) submission, see? I hope that's the right intepretation! I also don't want to insist too much as well, because I don't want him to feel pressured, like he isn't earning enough or something.

I've been pointing it out that it's a lot to do with me, too - I've made career choices that were rather spoilt, maybe, and foregone a large income for a really low one. (Although, the improvement in lifestyle balance is maybe worth it!). He is currently undervalued at his workplace, but I also feel he's building up such a good reputation and solid experience, that it is only a question of being patient before he's duely rewarded, whether here or elsewhere. I don't think he should make any hasty moves to try for a better pay - it's always better when they come to you, and I think in time they definately will.

Oh dear, I've not been very productive today either... sigh. Very sleepy! I go into such lovely deep sleep initially, then have to wake up to pee - then stay awake for a few hours before finally going off an hour or so before the alarm clock goes!!!! Baby is kicking up a storm, hurrah!

Hello... lunch hour again. : )

Tomorrow is Saturday and we're off to Malaysia... yay! Half a day to go...

Morning was okay productively, but the last 45 minutes could have been better : P. Ok, I will sit down and really focus on those papers I need to put up in the next month this afternoon.

Have been rereading The Hiding Place - very inspirational. Some impressions:

1. God really took the most unexpected family to become war heroes! A nice quiet, family in Holland, and Corrie was nearly 50 when all that happened to her...
2. Not only that, he took 50 years preparing Corrie Ten Boom for her big trial...
3. But they lived everyday in service to God, no matter how mundane, how routine life was... I was very touched reading about their care for the poor and their service to the community, under normal circumstances, not just during the war. Am I faithful in small things? If not, how can God expect me to be faithful in big ones?

How to learn? It struck me how I never care beyond my immediate family or my friends - I know, the Bible says something like, even unbelievers do that! Not even going to forgiving and loving enemies, I can't even love strangers that I meet on the street... not even strangers, but people I see everyday but never get to know...

Thank God it's not something I do myself, or I'd make a right mess of it. I'm just going to keep trucking at reading God's word and praying - cultivating my sensitivity to his voice, and trust in His transforming power on my life...

I wonder if that's too laid back a strategy? Just started Nehemiah, and while Nehemiah prayed A LOT (and I expect he was ultra sensitive to God's will, if he could pray two seconds before he spoke to the King, on the spur of the moment), he also ACTED... but PRAYER came first. And through the PRAYER, Nehemiah got an idea what he had to do, and then he DID IT.

Okay... I expect it'll become clearer one day : )

The other cool thing about the Hiding Place is Corrie's stories about her father, and his wisdom. I really like his stories about the train ticket (God gives you the strength to bear the trouble, just when you need it), the luggage bag (Some knowledge is too heavy to bear - ask God to help you bear it) and love (what hurts is love thwarted from its expression, but there are other ways to love, and when are prevented from loving in the human way, can ask God to teach us to love in His, better, way). I'd love for my husband and I to have that kind of wisdom for our own child... ^_^ am going to pray for it!

Oh my doody - have finished a large coke while sitting here ... 12 spoonfuls of sugar!!!! Caffeine!!! Baby killer!!!! Looks guilty - I also treated myself to Burger King today... at least it wasn't MacDonalds (I fondly believe Burger King is healthier cause of the whole flame broiled marketing gimmick!). But so what if the burger was healthier? I had more of it (they were doing a promotion, see... whopper meal $3.90, vs Jr whopper meal, $5.60) and the fries were much more TOXIC than any thing Macs can whip up... dark brown instead of bright gold --> over fried ---> TOXIC! Problem is I don't plan my orders before my turn comes... and they're like interrogators in there... "Jr meal? You take whopper meal ok? $3.90! Drink? Coke? Coke yah? ..." And I'm like, "Er... okay.. er.. wait! Can I get sprite instead? water?" "Too late, too late! Key in already! NEXT!"

Yikes... time to go.

I can't concentrate!!!!

Holiday mood la di da : ) - Friday round the corner and long weekend ahead, wheeee... going cross the straits hooray!

Am so proud of hubby - he won a golf tournament yesterday - first time in over ten years (when he was younger and fitter : ) ) Gah - but hard to control disgust at how his boss actually calls him up in the middle of the day to leave work and play golf for the company.... Hello!!!!!!

Office is incredibly peaceful - more than half off on Learning Org course. Did most of my urgent work yesterday... okay will be good tomorrow. Oh crap - is what I said yesterday.

Baby isn't very active... wonder if should be worried, on the other hand, could be good thing - maybe he won't be the hyperactive monster he was showing such promise of developing into... Anyhoo, as long as he kicks me periodically in the bladder to tell me he's alive... Could it be caffeine tolerance?

Hmmm..maybe I should get trucking on my story... not that I've a very big audience : ) - but just for the sake of finishing it.

Here I am again : )

Lunch hour... ate so much, twice what I would have eaten previously. So much for getting stricter on my diet. Will have to control myself tonight, but we're going to my mother-in-laws, and if they're making pork chops...

Sigh. So much work to do... can't face up to it at the moment... going to have to commit it to God. Useful - crucify sinful self daily and rely on God moment to moment for the power to overcome my human wants. From my life application bible... a kind of elaboration on Gal 5:16 - live by the Spirit and you will not satisfy the desires of the human nature. Not so much a conceptual, daily mindset, but a minute by minute struggle almost, Thank God He is there to help us and He has the ultimate victory! : )

So many people will be away attending the second session of that course on Learning Org this Wed to Friday... Would be great, but princess isn't going, and I've come to fear times when no one else is around... Unfair maybe, just happened so often before that stuff happens in these situations... unpleasant scenes.

I'm soooo sleepy... my husband and I are driving to Sebana this weekend! Think it'll be fun just to get out of Singapore and be somewhere different... haven't got a swimming costume that will fit anymore, though.. what to do? Would love to swim - there's a little pool we share with a few other units - it's usually deserted. And then there's the big pool of at the clubhouse site. We're bringing our DVD player up to hook on and watch all the dvds we havn't worked through yet... need to get some books to read too...