All right!!!! Past nine weeks!!!

Feeling much much better now - feeding thing seems to have stabilised, milk supply has kicked in, and am currently producing more than he needs, thank God!!!

Also, he's become more mellow, smiles properly. Best yet, I feel much closer to him - I think I'm beginning to bond!!

Have almost 100% made up my mind to leave work... will tell my boss on Monday. Saw him two days ago, and he asked that I reconsider,perhaps try and work out a part time arrangment. It's more than just the hours though, or the stress from work - he is also very aware of the Princess situation : P . Fortunately had a chat with my colleague before I saw boss, so I was primed, otherwise I might have said something in surprise - their relationship has really worsened in the 2 months I've been away. He always used to be more reticent, but this time he was openly making snarky comments about Princess.

: ( How can someone so bad at working with people still manage to be viewed favorably by people who count? Ok, I know the answer. My boss is not doing so well in the opinion ratings, so Princess knows he can openly steal his thunder and actually gain brownie points for it. Enuff grousing. I'm probably being very unfair - too bad, I'm biased! Not that it matters to anyone.

There was a school offering homebased work opptys, I signed up and am hoping it works out. Again need to thank God for that - it would just be another one of countless prayers answered.

One and a half months since baby was born... feels like forever!

A bit unreal - I hope its not just me - several times during the day I'll creep up to where he's lying, look in and think, "this is mine? he's here for good?". Six weeks ago, he was just a lump in my belly.... when he first came out, the first thing that flew into my mind was, "there's no return policy on this one!" So much for sentimentalism. Isn't a person supposed to melt when their baby is first put into their arms?

But there's no question tt I love him - I do. It just seems more detatched than what I thought... I think its me putting up walls deliberately, because I'm selfish and I like to keep that private space to myself. And the need I have for private space is greater than most people I think... Also compounded by the whole breastfeeding debacle...

Tried to breastfeed directly, but he refuses to take from the breast. His face when I offer it to him - ! Screwed up in disgust, he turns his head back and forth, and cries until he's hoarse... : ( Six weeks of battling it out, each meal time felt like war - and he wasn't gaining any weight... finally decided to express the milk and feed it by bottle.

I'm glad he's taking in breastmilk, but I seem to be permenantly hooked to a machine. I hardly get the chance to feed him directly, because I'm often too tired or in the middle of expressing when he's hungry - I need to do it every 2 hours, afterall.. feel trapped to home too, can't go out anywhere for long, because I'll need to express... I know others have moreflexible schedules, but I'm terrified my milk supply will just dry up if I relax now... maybe after 3 months, or when I really begin to lose my mind. I feel really sad, but have to harden my heart to it, or I'd just be crying endlessly like I was when I first made my decision. It hurts everytime I go out, because people keep asking, "ARe you breastfeeding?" or "Why aren't you breastfeeding?"

To people who ask the latter, I usually say something pleasant back, but in my mind I'm longing to scream, "Do you think I would voluntarily chose to express over feeding direct from the breast? Would I prefer to commune with a machine over my own child 12 times a day, unless I didn't have a choice?" Everytime I get that question, it really brings me down - I come home resolved to offer my breast again, only to have to face the pain of being rejected by my baby once again...

It's better than before, but also awful, living in fear that my supply will dry up, the inconvenience, the dread of not bonding emotionally with my child.

It's hard not to be bitter, or angry... its such a simple, natural thing that countless mothers can do - why can't I? I'm holding on to that bitterness, it's taking root - I'm avoiding God.

At the back of my mind, a little part of me that's still rational is praying fervantly for His mercy, patience and understanding. That little part is counting on His faithfulness, counting on His gentle hand to draw me back into His fold... part of me longs for that quiet place of rest. It wants to surrender the angry feelings that the other part of me wants to mull over and hang on to.

Dear God, please have mercy on me - gently bring me to the point where I'm willing to let go of my anger and resentment, and the jeolously and envy I have to every mother that has successfully breastfed before me. Heal my heart and let me not on account of my foolishness jeopardise the relationship with my baby. You know there's a part of my heart, deep down, that is crying on its knees for this prayer to be answered. I thank you that you are faithful where I am faithless, and that your strength and grace is suffiicient for me. A Men.